Yet again I find myself writing when I feel like i am more messed up than most people. Almost embarrassed by my confession to be a Christian. How can I say anything to anyone? I am not an example of how to live.

I am broken, I am so flawed, I am still falling and failing everyday. In the last year I have screwed up my life so badly. I have hurt people, lied to many, let down friends, failed to deliver in work, totally betrayed trust of those closest to me. More mistakes in the last year than the first 32!

I often feel too ashamed to even lift my eyes to the heavens. The world accepts me, it is so quick to comfort me, to understand, not to condemn. I sometimes mistake it for sincere and grasp onto it as a more appeal-able option but I know it is only because by accepting me as I am it allows them to live on as they are. It is with no real concern or acceptance of me, rather a selfish condolence of their own actions and lives.

Truth is I have learnt so much more about God and about myself through all the mistakes I have made.  And there is hope for me :) Let me say that again.  I have learnt more about God in the past year wandering around lost and a mess than I did sitting like a good boy in church all those years. Guess what I learnt:

1 – He is real. 2. He really does love us 3. There is hope – even after you screw up

I hold on tight to his hope. Hebrews 6:19 We have this hope as an anchor, firm and secure.

This verse is exactly what it says to be, an anchor, no matter the storm, I know I can trust in His love. No matter what I have done, how low I am, there is Hope in Jesus. Something to live for, something to wake up for, a great love that even in my darkest and lowest moments I somehow reflect. It is certainly not me, I thought I was a great example before I messed up. I self righteously thought I had it together so much better than the world, heck so much better than most of my mates in church. Yet I was never the light I was called to be?! In the midst of the darkest months of my life. All alone far away from the fellowship of my church, amongst no christian friends and very messed up and confused people have noticed something in me,  a cheerfulness despite my circumstances, a kindness that can not come from me, a smile in complete turbulence. always an encouraging word, discipline in my work. Im not trying to be any of these things. I am too self absorbed in the woefulness of my life and am truly humbled by the unintentional influence I have had over new friends and colleagues. It is Christ in me. It is because although I have screwed up i still belong to Him and have his light inside of me.

John 13: 34-36  34 A new commandment I give to you,that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. 35 By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

I thought commandments were something that once we became a christian we would do our best to keep and uphold. I didn’t realise that in fact whene I gave my life to Christ, confessed my sin, that he is the Lord of my life and was filled with the Holy Spirit that even when I felt like I was far away from Him, not at church, not broadcasting my faith, not evangelizing that there was still the quiet spirit evident in me, again not me, I do not wish any recognition of it having anything to do with me, He lives in me. And even through the wreck of my life His light shines through. I have daily encounters, daily opportunities to Love people, to show them kindness, to listen, to offer myself to them, to help, with nothing expected in return, people have thought I am such a nice guy despite being so messed up, truth is I am just as much of a mess as everyone else and His light is the only good thing in me. He is my everything, I surrendered my life to him, I tried driving my life and look where it got me. God will use you in whatever situation you stubbornly put yourself.

Romans 8:28 We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose.

Even if you still fall, and still find yourself tangled up in sin do not despair and again rest in him trusting that your salvation is secure. He says we become a new creation in him: 2 Corinthians 5:17 This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!

I have met some amazing people and have had opportunities to be a light to them, a flawed example of what God can do, that He loves even me and I have a smile and a Hope only because of Him. Everyday from now is a gift and I want to be His disciple wherever I am called, and if I again wander off my own way, I know He is still there with me and will still use me! My life plan now is just to Love people as much as I can, be kind to everyone, make them smile, treat them well, encourage and build up not tear people down and show that life doesn’t have to boring along the way, we can still have fun and one massive adventure! I am travelling at he mo and just enjoying the beauty of this world, the amazing people I get to meet and stories I get to hear is all such a blessing.

We all fall down, with Him we can get back up ;) God will never leave you nor forsake you. y-jesus.com

 

Cool song by a South African singer – Matthew Mole